He does not have a beer gut;
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet;
He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid;
He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost;
He DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding;
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber;
   He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.   

He does not get falling-down drunk;
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a total ass;
He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not short;
He is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars;
He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated;
He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig;
He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not hog the blankets;
He is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig;
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind;
He has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment;
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Pass This On To All Your Friends!